To be brutally honest, I very much doubt I would be here if I didn’t have a good support network. In Luca’s first year, I took so many punches from the world. This was the world that was meant to just provide me with a healthy son- but blow after blow my body and head hurt. Professionals kindly and gently told me things weren’t right… they’re not sure what was wrong, but things weren’t right. No matter how nice someone says it, it bloody hurts. And I mourned the son I dreamt would play in the World Cup and buy his mum cars and houses. Or the son I’d have beers with. Or the son that would simply call me “mama”.

When mourning, dark thoughts would enter my mind. I would have baths and think of just staying under the water and thinking everything would be fixed. I could just float away from this bad dream. I cried daily. Howled. I couldn’t function. I was a slave to my sick son who had turned my life upside down. I was sleep deprived. I had a husband who didn’t know what more he could do to “fix” things. So, I figured, I’d take myself to the GP to “fix” me.

I couldn’t get into my normal GP, so saw someone else. He was my initial life saver- literally. That first appointment, he called my mum and told her I was a serious danger to myself and I needed help. From his point of view, I had put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect wife, the perfect house keeper, perfect mum and perfect daughter- all while trying to deal with the shit that came our way not long after Luca was born. He asked my mum to come be with me 2 hours every day in the afternoons before Marc came home from work. She did. He ordered me to hire a house cleaner so I didn’t have to worry about that. My mum did that too. (What the hell would I do without her?!) He then booked me in with a psychologist down the road who I could spew out all my inner thoughts to.

I find it hard to remember a lot about that period of time. I know I have blocked out memories. I have a form of PTSD when I hear small babies scream/cry. I find it very hard to hold or acknowledge babies under 18 months- especially boys.

When people discuss their mother in laws, they usually do so, with a look of disdain. Well not me. It’s ridiculous how much I adore her. From the get go- I’ve never been any one but myself with her- and if anything, she encourages to be more crazy. She is an ex OT. A carer by nature. Her moto is always look after the carer. So she is always, always looking out to ensure I’m doing ok. I speak to her often on the phone. She checks in on me. Often the diary comes out to see when she can have Luca for a weekend to provide some respite. I can’t ever thank her enough for always thinking of me and how she can help. I should point out- that all my in-laws have pitched in with helping look after Luca.

My social worker has been along for the ride for a while now. She has heard and seen me in the worst of times but is the kindest, gentlest person in the world. She’s exactly what we all need. The support she has given me, not just emotionally with phone calls and hugs, but practically, when it comes to organising paperwork or centrelink calls or whatever. She truly is an angel.

Every so often, we may have a holiday coming up or I might just want a few nights without worrying about Luca’s feeding, sleeping, screaming and pooing- so I’ll book him into Very Special Kids for respite. He’s looked after by the most amazing carers and nurses. He has his own room. Has art or music therapy there and most recently had a visit from ex racehorse, Subzero. I feel very fortunate to have this option available to me, as this isn’t available to all families of kids with special needs/disablities.

I have my darling friends who are near and far in other countries. Just a simple text to see how I am, is very warming and means the world. My husband has always been there to help my brain chill out a little. Stress a little less. Never any pressure on me to be anything more than I am. Always supportive of things that excite me and help me feel better.

The love I feel from my family, friends, Drs and support services have all kept me afloat. Kept me positive. All in their own ways. So, do I have a good support network? Damn straight I do and I am so, so very appreciative of what Luca I do have, which outweighs what we don’t.